


My Telltale Heart

by ninjamonkey73



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Related, Episode: s04e18-19 The Killing Game, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22283188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninjamonkey73/pseuds/ninjamonkey73
Summary: His voice failed him. Her name was all he managed to give voice. The look in her eyes as they roamed over him made his pulse quicken.
Relationships: Janeway/Chakotay, mention of Paris/Torres
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	My Telltale Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Written circa 1998.
> 
> [The Star Trek universe belongs to Paramount Pictures. This take on that universe belongs to me.]

"This is completely ridiculous!" Kathryn murmured to herself as she released her coffee mug from a shaky hand. The door to her ready room had only seconds before slid shut following her first officer's exit. "We have dinner together all the time. Why should this time be any different?"

The perfectly formed peace rose on the coffee table again drew her eye. Raising the bloom to her nose, Kathryn mentally replayed what had just transpired with Chakotay- in her ready room of all places.

~~~~~~~~

"Come."

Seeing the pile of data padds on her desk, Chakotay stopped just inside the door and debated postponing his plans. As the doors slid softly shut behind him, he glanced back just in time to see Lt. Paris throw him a wink from the conn before they closed completely. Too late now. They had all seen the rose- certainly not the first he'd brought her here, but to leave with it... After all, the worst she could say was no.

She looked up from the plasma relay report in her hands and eyed Chakotay suspiciously. "You look like the cat that ate the canary, Commander. To what do I owe this visit?"

He shuffled his feet and avoided her eyes, focusing instead on the padds before her. 'Try to remain casual about it,' he thought to himself and stepped a few more paces into the room. "If you're busy..." He raised his eyes, a dimpled grin on his face.

'I wish he wouldn't do that!' Kathryn smiled in response, the closest to giddy she remembered being since the Academy. "I always have time for you, Chakotay. And anyway, I was due for a break. Coffee?"

"No, thank you." He watched her thoughtfully as she went to the replicator to retrieve a cup, joining her in the sitting area when she indicated. "Do you use your rations for anything other than coffee?"

Laughter was her initial reply. "Is there anything else worth replicating?"

A fresh cup of coffee balanced on her knee, Kathryn settled back comfortably on the couch and pointed toward the chair behind him. "Have a seat."

"I don't intend to take up that much of your time. And anyway, there's a duty roster with my name on it waiting in my office." Steeling himself with a deep breath, Chakotay brought the peace rose out from behind his back. "If you think you can tear yourself away from those reports tonight, I'd like you to join me for dinner. And I don't mean a working dinner, Kathryn."

"Chakotay, I..." Unsure of what she intended to say, Kathryn raised her coffee cup to her lips to stall for time. Breathing in the rich smell of the coffee, she closed her eyes and took a small sip of the steaming drink.

"No more safety net, remember? I believe you said it yourself just a few weeks ago." Careful not to spill its contents on her, Chakotay gently removed the coffee cup from Kathryn's hands and brought her right hand to his lips for a delicate kiss. "Dinner, nothing more. Unless you..."

"All right, dinner." Kathryn cut him off, feeling the color rise on her cheeks. The image of him smiling at her over her outstretched hand and the slight tingling sensation on the knuckles of that hand lingered unbearably. He knew what he was doing; she had to give him that.

Leaving the rose in her hand, he stepped toward the door. "1800 hours, holodeck 1. Dress comfortably." With a smile he reserved for her alone, he backed out of her ready room, throwing the same knowing wink at her that Paris had sent him minutes before on the bridge.

~~~~~~~~

Kathryn returned from her reverie at the second chiming of her door. "Come."

The doors hissed apart to admit B'Elanna, who threw a glare back over her shoulder as she entered. "Everything all right, Captain?"

"My mind was elsewhere for a moment. What brings you by? I'm guessing that look was aimed at our Mr. Paris. Is there a problem?"

B'Elanna smiled coyly. "He's been asking for trouble all morning out there. I don't know what's gotten into him." Her tone let on that she knew precisely what had gotten into him, but she changed the subject before Janeway could press her further. "I finally completed the final assessment of all the damage from our 'war' with the Hirogen. It was even worse than I thought."

Janeway took the padd that Torres thrust at her and gestured to the seat next to B'Elanna. "It's always something. At least the crew had a focus to take their minds off of home." She continued to scan down the padd, clearly getting more and more frustrated as B'Elanna slumped down in the chair, exhausted. When she could read no further, Janeway let the padd clatter down on the desk. Exhaling forcefully, she sat back in the chair and crossed her arms on her chest. "Whatever needs resupplying, I'll see what I can do. We can probably transfer back the ten crew members that helped bail you out down there, but all this will still take months to completely patch up. Have you gotten much sleep since the doctor returned us to duty?"

"Would your answer be any different, Captain? Our ship was coming down around our ears. How was I supposed to sleep?" B'Elanna stood and began to pace. "The doctor threatened to monitor my sleep habits when I left my last check-up. He just doesn't understand..."

The captain laughed and went to retrieve her coffee. "He's no engineer, that's for sure, but he is right, B'Elanna. As much as I can see your side of it, we all need to remember there's more to life than repairs."

"That's what Tom keeps telling me." B'Elanna's eyes drifted to the rose on the coffee table in front of Janeway. She had already heard from the bridge crew that Chakotay had brought the captain a rose. It was fairly likely that the whole ship knew by now. Sensing the captain might appreciate an ear on the matter, B'Elanna decided to play dumb and test the limits of their relationship. "Someone trying to buy the captain's favor?"

A hint of color rose on Janeway's cheeks before she shrugged it off. "Chakotay" was her one word reply. Although she offered no additional information, she seemed to leave the topic open for discussion. Confiding in a senior officer was more than likely ill advised but certainly the lesser of many evils out in the Delta quadrant. Kathryn silently wondered if rank would mean much thirty years down the line.

Taking a seat in the chair next to the captain, B'Elanna studied her carefully. "If you want to talk about it, you have my word it won't leave this room."

Kathryn smiled slightly and sank back farther into the couch. She looked over her angry young engineer with pride; time and experience had done much to smooth off the rough edges. Tom may have had a hand in it too, she surmised. Their first day as a combined crew, Janeway had been unsure she could afford to keep the half-Klingon out of the brig. Better than four years later, she knew she could trust B'Elanna with her very life- and did quite often. They would have surely been dead years ago without B'Elanna's expertise, but could Kathryn dare to consider her a friend? In a way, she already did. The final lowering of the command barrier between them would be irreversible. And yet, of all the crew, B'Elanna knew Chakotay better than anyone next to Kathryn herself.

The silence continued for some time. All the while, B'Elanna sat patiently, sensing the internal debate with which Janeway struggled. Eventually, the set of the captain's jaw softened and B'Elanna knew she was about to be allowed into where perhaps no one else aboard ship had been. Except maybe Chakotay.

"I never told you about Mark, did I, B'Elanna?" Her voice was soft as she raised troubled eyes to meet B'Elanna's.

"The man in the picture you used to keep on your desk?"

She nodded slowly. "We grew up together, Mark and I. I couldn't stand him, until one day... He understood. All of it. The long missions away, the chance I might not ever come home." Kathryn swallowed hard before continuing. "He never pushed me for more than I gave. He so rarely mentioned marriage, and even then he put no pressure on me. He said nothing had to be any different than it already was; he just wanted it all to be official. I never really gave him an answer. He just suddenly became my fiancé after we'd been lost out here a few months."

Kathryn paused and swirled the coffee in her cup. "My letter from home- it was from him."

The letter scrolled through her memory, renewing the mixed emotions it triggered in her. ~Almost everyone had given up on Voyager, but I tried to tell them- they simply didn't know my Kathryn if they thought you were so easily defeated. I was one of the last ones holding onto the hope of a triumphal entry. But three years passed and I began to wonder if my faith in you was reasonable to maintain forever without a single sign that any of you were even still alive. There is a fine line between keeping the home fires burning and living in an unhealthy state of denial. I went on with my life. I'm sorry, Kathryn. I got married three months ago. I'm sure by now you've gone on with your life, knowing the journey you have ahead of you...~

A humorless laugh broke Kathryn's pensive silence. "I don't know what I expected from him, B'Elanna. It's been four long years. They had absolutely no clue what happened to us, no real reason to hold out hope for as long as some of them did. As far as I was concerned, as long as we were pointed toward the Alpha quadrant, I was going to get home to Mark and my old life someday. He got married three months ago... The hardest part of it is that I felt worse about not having someone in my life anymore- and Mark's been how far away for the last four years? - than about losing Mark himself. Since I got that letter, all I could think about was what if we had managed to get back before he married her? After all this time, I finally took a long, hard look at our relationship and I started to wonder if I would have stayed with him if I'd gotten home. I did love him, but maybe not enough the right way. For the last four years, I have loved the idea of him- hearth, home, security- more than I loved the man I left on Earth."

"And then there's Chakotay..." B'Elanna offered.

"Yes. And then there's Chakotay." Kathryn heaved a sigh and looked at B'Elanna to gauge her opinion of the situation with Voyager's first officer.

B'Elanna smiled and laughed softly. "He can be maddeningly patient, can't he? That used to drive me nuts back in the Maquis. We were beginning to wonder which of you two would crack first." The moment she completed the sentence, she wished she could take it back. Janeway's startled, embarrassed, and confused look was enough to tell B'Elanna she had definitely inserted her Federation issue boots into her mouth clear to her knees.

" _We?_ "

"Well, um... 'we' being..." B'Elanna took a deep breath and let it out slowly. As the saying went, in for a penny, in for a pound. "We're not blind, Captain. The whole crew could see years ago how Chakotay felt about you. The number one reason the Maquis fell in line behind you so easily was because it was obvious that Chakotay trusted you completely. That was all some of us needed to know. Once he fell in love with you...." Again, B'Elanna wished she had held her tongue, but this time Janeway didn't act surprised by B'Elanna's forthrightness. In fact, B'Elanna herself was surprised by the look of utter defeat that came over the captain.

"I tried to avoid it. I did everything I could to keep things strictly business, but damn him, B'Elanna. He can be so… so disarming."

"And persistent, and patient. Our Chakotay is many things. There was a time when I was quite interested in him, but I grew to consider him the father I never had." B'Elanna stopped to choose her words carefully, becoming more comfortable with the level of access she'd been given to Janeway's inner thoughts. "If you don't mind my asking, why can't you just allow yourself to love him? I doubt you can honestly say you're happy with things the way they are."

Kathryn shook her head slowly. "As Captain of this ship, I don't have the luxury of putting my happiness above the welfare of the crew."

"Who do you think you're fooling here? That's a cop-out and you know it. You say it like the crew would mutiny if you let yourself have a personal life."

"It's not a chance I can afford to take, B'Elanna. If things ever didn't work out..."

Raising a hand to stop her, B'Elanna cut in, "That's it right there. It's not so much about what the crew would think as it is about your own insecurity. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand our situation out here. I can't begin to tell you the number of nights I laid awake worrying about what I'd do if Tom and I broke up badly- and that was before I even started seeing him. But no matter how much I want to kill him sometimes, I wouldn't trade a single day of it for the lonely safety of ignoring my feelings for him. When I thought Tom and I would die floating alone in space without my ever having a chance to tell him how I felt... He and I got lucky. You and Chakotay may not get the chance for any edge-of-death confessions. If I took anything of any worth from my Klingon upbringing, it was to live life without regret. I don't see you doing that."

A bemused smile flashed across Kathryn's features. "You don't pull any punches, do you?"

B'Elanna laughed. "You'd think I'd be even just a little worried about overstepping my bounds... I've wished for an opportunity for one of us to say something to you for quite a while. Harry never would have on his own and Tom was too afraid of sounding like a lecherous voyeur. I, on the other hand, have no qualms about butting in where I'm not wanted. You both deserve to be happy. Somebody needed to be brave enough to tell you. I'll go." She started to rise, but Janeway put a hand on her arm to stop her.

"You don't have to. I appreciate your candor, really. Can I ask you a personal question, B'Elanna? You don't have to answer it if you don't want to."

'As if the captain needs permission to ask me a question!' B'Elanna thought. "Sure. At this point, I'd say I owe you one."

"How do you do it? I mean, how do you work next to him, watch him beam into potentially dangerous situations, and pilot shuttles well beyond their intended specifications, all the while knowing that at some point his survival may depend on a decision you have to make."

"Don't you already do that, too? Regardless of whether or not you act on them, your feelings for Chakotay color every decision you make, every order you issue. As for myself, I try not to think too much about it. My job is still the same. I'm the Chief Engineer and keeping Voyager up and running is my primary function. It's not always easy, but I try to mentally separate Tom from Lt. Paris. Lt. Paris is the best pilot we've got and that sometimes means he is the best and only choice for life-threatening missions. If I could figure out how to separate the pilot from the man, believe me, I would. If you think losing Chakotay would be any easier if you keep him at arms length, take it from someone who has come too close to traveling that road- it doesn't matter how far you let him into your life. If he's in your heart, you'll feel like it's been ripped from your chest no matter how you act now. Don't add regrets to that and miss out on good memories to take with you. And anyway, I have it on fairly good authority that we're all going to get home safe and sound and turn Starfleet on its ear."

Closing her eyes, Janeway could see the scene clearly. Aged and none the worse for wear, surrounded by an entire quadrant's technology and resources, pulling into spacedock on the very edge of Federation space. Voyager, which had left a newly commissioned technological marvel with a fresh, young Starfleet crew, would return patched and re-patched, full of strange technologies, some of which were Borg, and new crew members. Former Maquis, a former Borg, a Talaxian, a holographic doctor who was essentially a sentient being, all working together, intermarried and forever bound together by their journey. How many generations would be living on Voyager by then? Did she honestly believe she could keep to herself among them for however many years it took to get home? While they all started families and made lives for themselves where fate and the array had flung them? It was a Herculean challenge, to say the least.

"I can just see it now. 'Admiral Riker, I'd like you to meet my First Officer and husband, former leader of the Maquis cell I was sent out to capture. Needless to say, I was successful. Oh, and say hello to Seven of Nine; I believe you know her people from Wolf 359.' They won't know whether to throw us a welcome home celebration or throw us in the brig for collaborating with known Federation enemies!"

"Hey, I'm among those 'known enemies'! Don't worry, I don't think Starfleet will have anything to hold against you when they see that you turned us all into good little soldiers. I still can't believe it, but I actually love my job working for your little subdivision of Starfleet." B'Elanna looked at the chronometer and stood. "Which reminds me- I left the work crews digging through the debris we beamed to the cargo bay months ago. I want to go make sure they're saving everything worth salvaging."

B'Elanna got to the door and stopped short of where it would open. She turned to find Janeway a few paces behind. "If they ask, we were discussing problems with the holodecks' projection grids, Captain. Just think about what I said. If you want me to talk to Chakotay to get him to ease up, I will."

"Thank you, B'Elanna." Taking them both by surprise, Janeway gave the engineer a quick hug. "For everything. Listening, speaking up, keeping it to yourself."

Torres smiled. "It was the least I could do, especially with everything I owe you. You know where to find me…"

The minutes crawled by as Alpha shift stretched out before her. As captain, she could go anywhere to pass the time and no one would be the wiser- except him. Chakotay had purposefully thrown down the gauntlet with hours for her to squirm, knowing she would. Once she came to the conclusion she wouldn't get any more reports read, Janeway tried a return to the bridge. With hundreds of thousands of kilometers of nothing ahead of them, she soon found it to be an even more tedious task to sit still and look involved. Finally opting to take her thoughts back to her ready room, she gave up on all pretense of completing work and allowed her thoughts to go where they may.

At what point had she lost the ability to function because of him? That, she knew, was a more recent development although, truth be told, she was never fully in control of her faculties in his presence. Going back to the very first moment they locked eyes, she had been attracted to him. She never would have admitted it at the time, but there was no denying it now. The fire in his eyes at being apprehended, stranded… And the moment on her bridge when he sided with her decision to destroy the array and with it, their best hope of seeing home in their lifetimes. Had their positions been reversed, she doubted she would have been as loyal and supportive a First Officer to him as he was to her.

He had been so patient with her, unassuming. His angry warrior speech on New Earth was clearly his no-pressure way of making his feelings for her known. She had given him so little reason to hope, too. No, that was wrong. She had been giving signs that she might one day let him completely into her life since New Earth. They may have lost ground from time to time, but this day had been coming for years. The irony of it was, had he not been her first officer, she would have better been able to avoid falling in love with him. Needing to work so closely with him was precisely why falling for him was so dangerous and yet so easy.

What had B'Elanna said? 'It doesn't matter how far you let him into your life. If he's in your heart..." The prime example of that was how much of her day she'd wasted trying not to think about him. At least if she gave in to her feelings for him, eventually the newness and awkwardness would wear off and life could return to normal.

"How perfectly unromantic!" she said to the empty room. There were far better reasons to stop fighting the attraction. How many nights and long, uneventful duty shifts had she spent imagining what his lips would feel like on hers, whether he would be forceful, tender, or passive in bed, how his hands would feel on her, what his skin tasted like... Certainly more time than she had ever given to missing Mark and her old life.

A glance at the chronometer alerted her to the few remaining minutes. A glance at her desk bore proof of her complete ineffectiveness. Something had to give. She briefly thought about calling him to her Ready Room to regain control of the situation, to surprise him before their date where he would have the advantage. As tempting as it was, however, she doubted she could walk out of the Ready Room later without looking guilty, and staying too long after shift change without anything of any import happening with ship's business... His bringing her the rose didn't help. They were all waiting for a sign that things had changed between the Captain and First Officer; she knew that from her conversation with B'Elanna earlier. Kathryn wondered how long they could keep it from the crew. Or if it was even worth trying. A part of her wanted to stand on the bridge, activate the shipwide address system, and confess her undying love for him to all of them.

When the chronometer reached 1659, she tidied her desk and made her way to the bridge to leave. Chakotay was thankfully absent from his chair. Nodding to Tuvok on her way to the lift, she took a deep breath and slowly let it out. She opened her mouth to call for her quarters' deck.

"Hold the lift, Captain."

Chakotay bounded in grinning broadly. Silently she reprimanded herself for the butterflies that she failed to rein in and prayed her face was not so mutinous.

"Commander..." she acknowledged him and looked quickly up at the ceiling. "Deck 6."

The doors slid softly shut. Janeway intently watched the deck light pulse off each floor they passed through along the way. She knew that one look at him while they were alone with her thoughts still running down uncharted territory might very well be her undoing. Thankfully, it was a short ride. Before the lift had even completely stopped, she was moving toward the door. As she made a beeline for her quarters, leaving a puzzled looking Chakotay standing just outside the lift, she called back over her shoulder, "You better get moving, Commander. You have less than an hour to get the holodeck ready."

"Yes, ma'am!" He headed quickly for his quarters wondering what sort of omen her remark might have been. Although she had been the very portrait of intent avoidance in the lift, he had watched her carefully from the moment he entered. Color had risen to her ears immediately; her cheeks followed shortly after the doors closed. For a moment or two, he had stood very close to her, breathing in her scent and absorbing the heat radiating from her. She was so focused on avoiding his eyes; she did nothing about how close he was standing to her. He wondered if she had even noticed. Before she spoke, he was ready to chalk up his interpretation to wishful thinking and hormone-induced delusion. After her remark, he began to wonder. The tension between them in the lift felt different- positively electric, filled with anticipation and promise. He never really doubted her feelings after New Earth; he just wondered who would give up first. If he were a betting man, he'd have to say he was about to win that particular tug of war. He tried not to get his hopes up as he readied for their date, but it was too late.

The program consisted mainly of a log cabin. Outside its walls, snow silently fell on enormous pine trees. A few hundred meters away, a frozen mountain pond sprawled out, finally blending in with its snowy banks. Inside, a fire roared in the fireplace. In front of the hearth, dinner was laid out on a blanket, accompanied by two large pillows to be sat upon. Champagne chilled in a bucket. The walls of the cabin were adorned with the gear from all manner of winter sports, cross-country skis, snowshoes, ice-skates. He was sure he had thought of everything.

Once he triple checked his dinner preparations, Chakotay reassessed himself in the mirror. He still wasn't sure he liked the cut of the jeans he wore. They fit a bit tighter than he remembered. Adjusting the collar of the royal blue turtleneck he wore and picking at bits of lint on his charcoal pullover, he contemplated less casual attire. He had to admit, what he wore fit the location better than anything else he had considered wearing did, but he still felt foolish in them. The only saving grace was that his favorite pair of brown work boots went well with anything. He bent to throw another log on the fire and faintly heard the doors open and close above the crackle of the fire and soft music he'd programmed.

Her heart slammed in her chest. Kathryn walked in already anxious from hours of stewing over what was to be done about Chakotay's overtures. The program was absolutely breathtaking, not to mention Chakotay, whose backside had been on showcase in front of the fire the moment she walked into the room. When he rose, she let her eyes hungrily creep over him, inspecting for whatever other treasures his attire might offer. She knew that if he had ever looked at her the way she now looked at him, she would most certainly have put a stop to it. Just outside the edge of her conscious yet distracted thoughts, she heard him whisper her name.

His voice failed him. Her name was all he managed to give voice. The look in her eyes as they roamed over him made his pulse quicken. Breaking his gaze from her face, he allowed himself to inspect her in kind. She wore a gauzy beige pantsuit and dark brown, low-heeled dress boots. Beneath its matching vest, she wore a fitted, cream-colored jersey with long sleeves and a scoop neck that hinted at cleavage. Around her neck on a thin leather braid, she wore a small dark stone upon which he had carved her name when they lived on New Earth. He had never expected her to keep it when they left, let alone ever wear it again.

Kathryn was debating over how to conduct herself when their eyes met. She smiled unselfconsciously at him and let her feelings play across her face before crossing the space between them. His features came to life and a seductive smile spread across them. Without giving even a second's warning, Kathryn unceremoniously took his face in her hands and placed a delicate, lingering, tease of a kiss on his lips. He was caught so off guard, his hands never left his sides. Kathryn leaned back a few centimeters and ran one hand back through his thick, dark hair while the other brushed back and forth across his broad chest.

"This isn't quite the reaction I expected from you. I just took a giant leap without any safety net," Kathryn whispered playfully, continuing to run her hands lightly over him.

"Talk about unexpected," he murmured, finally recovering his mobility and sliding his hands around her back, guiding her lips back to his.

Their second kiss was deeper and more passionate than the first. Kathryn internally chastised herself for denying them such a magical connection for so long. Looking deeply into his eyes, her voice soft and slightly husky, she said, "I hope you never doubted my love for you, Chakotay. I never doubted yours for me. I've been a fool for pushing you away so long."

Tucking a stray strand of her hair back behind her ear, Chakotay placed a light kiss on her forehead. Firelight sparkled in his dampening eyes as he gazed at her. "How long has it been?"

"Since?"

"Since you knew you had feelings for me?"

Kathryn averted her eyes and studied the room for a moment. How long had she known? She'd been attracted to him since the first day they'd met, but love? That had been a gradual development, certainly, but not a new one. Truth be told, she wasn't sure she wanted to establish precisely how much time she'd wasted. "Does it really matter now?"

"It matters to me. So much has happened and I just can't help but wonder what subtext might have been running under it all."

"Subtext? What are you talking about?"

He ran his hands through his hair and down his face, walking over to the chair by the fire. "I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to do is put everything in some sort of perspective. As much as I've tried to keep my feelings for you from coloring my command decisions, I know I can't say I've completely succeeded. Maybe it's an unfair question, but a part of me has always wondered what was going on in your head through some of the rough patches we've come through."

"You mean, like with the Borg..." She took the fire poke from the rack and stirred the cinders, watching the sparks jump. Replacing the poke, she settled herself on the blanket, folding her hands in her lap and wringing them slowly. "If I could take back some of the things I said to you... I don't regret my decisions. I did the only thing I could to get us out of there and still be heading home. I do regret not including you, Chakotay. Everything happened so quickly and it was my worst fear- having to consider giving the order the turn around. And settle. Start stationary lives for ourselves somewhere with the threat of the Borg still looming over us. Give up on ever seeing home again. Admit that what I've got here with you and Voyager is better than what I left back in the Alpha quadrant. I guess -that- scared me more than any of it. I'm a starship captain, not a town mayor. Without this uniform and this ship and a course toward Earth, I'd be a civilian running from a chance at happiness with one of the most amazing men I've ever had the pleasure of capturing."

"How long, Kathryn?"

"It's not that easy, Chakotay. When I look back now, things look much different. Then, I brushed my personal feelings aside and denied or ignored them without much conscious thought, in the name of duty. Now, I look back and... The night on New Earth that you told your 'legend' of the angry warrior, I had lain in my bunk for hours thinking about what you said. I got as far as standing up twice to go to you and tell you the story about the woman warrior whose whole life was changed by the leader of her newfound allies. In the end, I told myself that we had our whole lives together down there. We could afford to take things slowly since we'd be stuck with each other either way. When Voyager came back for us, I went back into command mode." Kathryn stifled a laugh and looked away.

"What?" He came to the blanket and sat down opposite her.

She took his hand in both of hers and peered up at him through her eyelashes. "When we first got back, I kept having these little panic attacks. I was convinced they could all hear the way my heart beat around you. Surely they'd all assumed we were up to no good on the planet, alone and without rank to get in the way. I thought for sure I'd be found out- coveting my First Officer! It didn't take me long to blame the disease that stranded us down there for my irrational behavior once we got back."

Pulling his hand from hers, Chakotay squeezed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "So I wasn't entirely crazy..."

A puzzled smile lit Kathryn's face. "How do you mean?"

"I kept telling myself that if I could just be patient long enough... I was pretty confident you had feelings for me, but reassuring signs were so few and far between. And it was getting harder to find the line with you."

"I did have the bad habit of changing the rules on you, didn't I? One night, we're out on a midnight sail; then next, I won't meet with you alone... Maybe this is what you meant by subtext." Seeing his small nod, she continued, "Oh, Chakotay, it never really occurred to me that you didn't understand my erratic behavior! I would test the safe boundaries of our relationship and pull back whenever I felt out of control. How horribly unfair of me! I kept giving you little tastes of what you wanted for us and then I'd retreat to the safety of my command bubble. I assumed it was obvious to you how I felt and that was why you were being so patient."

"All I could do was suspect... and hope." He reached for her hand and turned it over, placing a gentle kiss on the inside of her wrist.

"I promise to work on my communication skills. If you're ever confused again, please call me on it. Ask me. I certainly can't always read your thoughts if I can't always nail down my own."

Chakotay kissed her wrist a second time, lingering a bit longer, his warm breath fanning the moist spot where his lips had been. "Tell me again."

Gently tracing the outline of his tattoo, she laughed softly and turned an unrestrained smile up to meet him. Kathryn ran her hand down the side of his face and lightly pinched Chakotay's chin. "As many times as you need to hear it. I'm not on duty until 0900 tomorrow."

She leaned over the dinner settings spread between them and placed a hand on his knee to raise herself level with him. Her voice barely above a whisper, she said, "I love you, Chakotay. I'm finally ready to let you all the way into my life. If you'll have me."

"If?" Chakotay breathed before cradling her face in his hands and dragging his lips achingly slowly across hers.

Without any sense of urgency, they began a slow investigation of each other and their newfound connection. Before long, however, Kathryn's arm began to shake from the strain of supporting such an off balance position. Bracing herself with her other hand on Chakotay's shoulder, she sat up and surveyed their surroundings. Slightly flushed and breathing a bit faster than normal, she splayed a hand on her chest and inhaled deeply, closing her eyes for a moment to refocus her thoughts.

"You're even better than I imagined," she sighed.

Chakotay's warm laughter filled the room. "I haven't even begun."

When he began to lean toward her, she gestured toward the spread before them. "I'm famished."

Never taking his eyes off of her, he purred, "So am I," and waggled his eyebrows at her. "If you can guess what I'm thinking."

"Hmm... Let me see," she murmured. As she leaned toward him, her hand snagged a dinner roll from the basket to her right. Once he closed his eyes expecting a kiss, she stuffed the roll into his mouth and sat back looking rather pleased with herself. "Does that help, Commander?"

"Mush behder," he tried to form around his mouthful of bread. Swallowing carefully, he continued, "If that's the way you'd like to play it, -Captain-..."

"Truce! Truce!" She threw her hands up in surrender when he reached toward the bowl of dip. "I'd hate to see such a wonderful dinner go to waste. Why don't we continue with this date as you'd planned it?"

"Oh, it's already gone _well_ beyond anything I'd hoped."

"Then it couldn't hurt to take a step or two back and enjoy it, right?" she asked, unfolding a napkin on her lap.

Conversation throughout their dinner was hushed and personal. Reminiscences on their careers and their lives outside of Starfleet or the Maquis filled most of the silence. What little silence remained was comfortable and demanded no small talk to fill it. As they neared the end of the meal, talk turned to the crew and the various budding relationships. Of particular interest to them, of course, was each one's take on Tom and B'Elanna's surprising connection. Considering how they had fought and traded barbs over the years, it was nothing short of an inspiration- the most visible sign of the successful blending of Starfleet and Maquis crews. Much to Kathryn's surprise, Chakotay had nothing but good things to say about Tom and his treatment of B'Elanna. It was no secret that Kathryn now held B'Elanna in very high regard, so agreement was quickly reached. Their personal reclamation projects had not only grown to become valuable officers, but they had also managed to move beyond the difficulties in their personal lives to find happiness.

Cleaning up the few scattered remains of dinner and stoking the fire for the night took them only a few minutes working together and left hours sprawling out before them to do with whatever they chose. Kathryn stretched lazily and rubbed the back of her neck absentmindedly. Before more than a few seconds could pass, Chakotay was kneeling behind her, replacing her hands with his own, massaging out the tension. Under his skilled ministrations, she began to relax more completely than she could ever remember relaxing before. Her mind wandered down paths she generally forbade it to tread. Possible futures played themselves out in her mind- growing old with Chakotay, raising his children, watching their grandchildren grow, returning to Earth... Again, Kathryn thought about how their return might play out. What would her mother and sister think of her Maquis Commander? Phoebe would certainly approve; she always prodded Kathryn about her penchant for boring scientists and philosophers. The fact that Chakotay was a spiritual man would be an interesting enough twist for Phoebe.

What her mother would say was much less predictable. Surely, she'd be glad to see her daughter happy and living a life beyond her Starfleet career, but Kathryn feared what effect years of living with the Admiral might have had on her mother's opinions. Daddy wouldn't have approved of him. Not at first, at least, and it was unlikely he would have given Chakotay a chance to prove himself worthy. Admiral Janeway knew as well as anyone the high price paid during the Cardassian/Federation conflict; he had been forced out of his young daughters' lives, seen the atrocities those bastards inflicted on their prisoners, his own Kathryn included, and lost many a close friend and valuable colleague. He often spoke of the 'cowards who undermined the system' by leaving for the Maquis. Kathryn could hear his speech clearly even now. He had given it enough times whenever the subject of the Maquis came up.

*"Kathryn, surely you can see what they're doing to us! If all of us who don't agree with Federation policy toward the Cardies up and leave, those reptilian bastards could take over the quadrant! Anarchy, Kathryn, that's all their 'noble' sacrifices are gaining us. Never run from a difficult fight. Stay in the system and work from within to change it. That's what they could do to help the border colonies if they really wanted to."*

Daddy would have little respect for Chakotay and how he reacted to losing his family. He may have even known him before he left Starfleet... She hadn't thought about that before... Maybe her mother would understand better than her father would have. She had seen how trying to change the system could change the man, make him an unwilling accessory and force him to compromise his principles to follow his orders. There was a chance that she could appreciate what Chakotay had given up for his principles. She had lost a great deal herself to the Cardassian conflict. Time that they would never be able to replace, and ultimately, her husband.

Memories of the crash threatened to surface, but Kathryn forced them back, focusing instead on Chakotay and all of the positive steps they had taken together. He noticed her tense up for a moment before settling back onto his chest and pulling his arms around her. Nuzzling her ear with his nose, he squeezed her lightly and asked, "Everything all right?"

She sighed and gripped his arms more tightly. "It's funny, the paths the mind wanders when you let it go off on its own. I started wondering what my mother and sister would think of you and wound up staring down some bad memories of my father's death."

"Ah..." Placing a light kiss on the very top of her ear, he rested his head against hers, his cheek pressed into the curve of her neck. "Dare I ask if they'd approve?"

Her low, throaty laugh vibrated through him. Taking his right hand in hers, she pulled it forward to memorize how they looked together, his large, dark hand against her small, pale one. "Phoebe would love you..."

"But, your mother..."

"My mother was a Starfleet wife. A civilian, Starfleet wife. I never pretended to understand her, but now that I'm older, I can see how it must have been for her with Daddy away so often. I imagine the Cardassian conflict and never knowing if my father would come home alive shaped her opinions more than I gave thought to before. And then there was Daddy, a man of... strong opinions."

It was Kathryn's turn to feel Chakotay's soft laughter reverberate within her. "I wondered where you got that from... So, I may have my work cut out for me when we get home? I'll have to practice being charming. Maybe Paris has some pointers I could use."

They settled into a comfortable silence in each other’s arms, watching the fire and listening to the smooth concerto drifting down to them from hidden speakers. Voyager traveled on without them. Starfleet and their many responsibilities seemed only a fading memory. Chakotay imagined for a moment that they were actually home, back in the Alpha quadrant, sitting on the floor of his log cabin instead of merely on the holodeck of a ship. 'It will happen,' he thought. 'Someday.' His words were as much a promise to himself as a statement of fact.

The weight of command had miraculously fallen away. Kathryn silently marveled at the lack of doubt in her heart, the absence of second thoughts and reasons to run from the safe harbor of his arms around her. She tried to call up each old reason for forbidding herself such a luxury, but each was summarily dismissed in turn. Being with him felt right, she had to admit. She couldn't remember feeling so safe or content. That was perhaps the most surprising of all to her- she was perfectly content to just sit in his arms by the roaring fire. There was no inherent need to fill the silence, as she often felt compelled. She was perfectly happy to just sit and let time stream around them while she memorized the feel of his heartbeat against her back, the light tickle of his warm breath on her neck, and the easy weight of his arms around her waist.

After a while, their breathing fell into synch with each other. What had begun a cozy, near-drowse by the fireplace slowly transformed into an electric charge for the senses. Each became acutely aware of every point of contact between them and the precise proximity of any places not directly in contact. Chakotay breathed in the faint scent of raspberries that clung to the air around her, as Kathryn became more aware of the warm spiciness of his aftershave. The fire and the rest of the room seemed to blink out of existence. He was aware only of her and she of him. Fear of breaking their hypersensory connection kept both of them still for several long minutes until Kathryn could no longer harness the energy building between them. Ever so slowly, she raised his hand to her lips, placing a light kiss on the back of his hand before dragging her teeth over one of his knuckles.

His free hand glided over her arm, shoulder, waist, and hip, as his lips found her ear and began a maddening trail down her neck, along her jaw, and back to her ear again. When his mouth once again moved along her jawline, Kathryn turned quickly to catch it with her own. Turning her sideways in his arms, Chakotay eased them down onto the floor, breaking their embrace to brush her hair back from her face. Gazing down at her, the reality of the moment suddenly came crashing down on him. Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager was lying beside him in front of a holographic fire deep in the heart of her ship, looking up at him with such a look of... confusion? Moments before, her face had been awash with love and longing, without the filter of her composed Captain's mask.

When he first looked down at her, the firelight sparkling in his deep brown eyes, she felt as if she were falling. Her stomach flip-flopped, but in a not-entirely-uncomfortable way. Then his face sobered so drastically, at first she wasn't sure what had happened. One second, he was smiling down on her, the next... He looked positively stunned. "Chakotay?"

He blinked. Her lips formed his name. He felt the subtle vibrations associated with her low whispering of it, and yet he couldn't recall how it was supposed to sound. She looked concerned, lying there next to him, searching his face, her own so unguarded. Finally open to him. His vision blurred and he blinked away the tears that had welled up without his consent. One fell on a slightly flushed cheek, causing her to smile and sigh in relief, tears rising in her own eyes. His face mirrored her smile and he brushed at her damp cheek with his thumb. The sudden need to get off of the holodeck didn't seem the least bit odd to him, but he wondered how easy it would be to explain to her without risking her changing her mind.

Choosing his words carefully, he cleared his throat and swallowed hard. "Can I make a request? I know it may sound odd, but..."

She cut him off with a finger lightly on his lips. "You don't ever need to make justifications for me. What do you want me to do," she purred, smiling seductively.

"Take me to you quarters," he breathed. "The Captain's quarters."

She laughed and eyed him suspiciously. "This holodeck can be anywhere in the known universe and you want me to take you to my quarters."

He cupped her left cheek in his right hand and ran his thumb lazily back and forth over her cheekbone. "It's too hard to know what's real here, too easy to pretend that everything outside of this room isn't the way it is. As much as I've enjoyed my time tonight with 'Kathryn', she doesn't have the luxury of spending much time out aboard Voyager. I fell in love with the Captain of this ship- she's the one I want to wake up next to in the morning."

Kathryn exhaled heavily and covered Chakotay's hand on her cheek. "You're afraid that once we leave this room, I'll go back to being the Captain and shut you out again."

"Maybe a little, yes. As much as I 'd hoped, part of me never expected you to come around like this. I need to be sure that we both realize what we're doing and what it all means. Is that more than you are ready to give me?"

She turned to place a soft kiss on his palm. "Of course not. To be perfectly honest, I'd rather have you in my quarters. If we stay here too long, somebody's bound to get suspicious, and there won't be a good time later to sneak back to our quarters to change for our duty shifts. I don't want to sneak around, Chakotay. I don't know if I'm ready to make it public knowledge, but I certainly don't want to sneak around."

"This is really happening." Wonder tinged his voice as he rolled onto his back for a moment, then stood, offering her his hand. When she regained her feet, he pulled her into a passionate embrace, suddenly overwhelmed by his need for her. Without warning, he stepped back and began to pull her toward the exit.

"Whoa! I can't go out there like this!" Kathryn gestured toward herself shaking her head. "Just what the crew needs to see- their Captain and First Officer flushed and disheveled from a good grope. Is there a mirror in this place?"

Chakotay led her to the bathroom and watched as she tucked her hair neatly back into place and straightened out her clothes. Before turning to leave once she'd finished, he leaned in and gave her a slow, worshipful kiss, then led her out into the corridor with Kathryn murmuring behind him.

"I hope we don't pass anyone. One look at either of us and they'll know exactly what we're about to do. That is, of course, if the thundering in my chest doesn't give us away!"

"That reminds me of an old story..." Chakotay began.

Kathryn cut him off with a groan. "Not another legend! Do you have one for every occasion?"

The lift doors opened and he gestured for her to enter, laughing softly. "Not that kind of old story. I was referring to Poe's -Telltale Heart-. Deck 6."

"Oh," she replied simply, aiming her embarrassed grin at the floor. "Wasn't that the one where a man kills somebody and buries him beneath the floorboards only to be haunted by the beating of the man's heart?"

Two ensigns entered the lift on Deck 4. Chakotay stepped back to allow them room, then figured continuing the conversation would seem less suspicious. "It was more than that, Captain. That heartbeat drove him crazy enough to turn himself in. He let his guilt get the better of him. Nobody was really on to him. His paranoia was his undoing."

"I'll keep that in mind, Commander," she said, moving briskly up the corridor once the lift stopped.

Chakotay jogged to keep up. "Where's the fire?" he teased as they bounded up the hall to her quarters.

She laughed and turned a lecherous smirk on him when she reached her door. He knew where the fire was, that was for sure. Neither noticed Tom nor B'Elanna coming up the hall from the other direction until Tom spoke.

"Captain, Commander," he greeted, smiling like the targ that ate the tribble. He reminded himself to tell B'Elanna that one before keying the lock to his quarters and stepping inside. "You two kids have fun."

B'Elanna swatted at his arm, preparing to follow him out of the hall. She winked at Janeway and tossed her head toward the captain's quarters in a 'go to it' gesture. "I'll make sure Helmboy doesn't transfer any replicator rations until you two are ready to make it public."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay for a moment and raised her eyebrows slightly. "What harm could it do? Just make sure he doesn't overload the computer." She smiled and entered her code without turning around.

Paris' head reappeared from his cabin as Kathryn pulled Chakotay into her quarters by the front of his sweater. He watched the doors close before backing into his cabin with B'Elanna in tow. "That was almost like catching my parents. Not that I ever did, but I'm sure it would feel something like this. Just not as lucrative. We may never have to eat in the mess hall again!"

The engineer rose up on her tiptoes in front of him and draped her arms around his neck. "Shut up and kiss me, Hotshot."

Paris obliged without a second thought to his commanding officers across the hall.


End file.
